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I’ve been trying to embrace the silence in conversations lately. Unfortunately, most people just assume my Zoom has frozen. One thing I refuse to be silent about is the bottle of salty Albariño my favorite shopkeeper gave me! Produced by Lagar de Pintos, a 4th generation estate in Spain run by Martha Castro, it features a windswept, coastal vibe that nearly knocked me off my feet. Its punch of peach cut by lemon peel and the aforementioned salinity had me smacking my lips between bites of a capers-laden pasta I made last weekend. Most of my recent wine consumption has been decidedly domestic, but as the world slowly opens, it seems fitting to let my inebriative influences follow. If you want to get your hands on a bottle of this Galician beauty, text me, and I'll connect you with an Other Peoples Approved retailer near you! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 )
While the last couple of weeks have loosened my wine rules, they seem to have tightened up my tough question game. Recent queries have inspired surprisingly succinct answers from me, given my propensity for long-winded responses. Questions like, “How good are you at taking criticism?” prompted me to say little more than, “Not great.” Usually, I’d refuse to let such short answers suffice, but in this case, they felt right. I don’t have to have a long answer for everything. Remembering this seemed to spark an explosion of other I don’t have to’s that I’ve outlined below more as a reminder for me than a directive for you. Maybe they’ll encourage you to consider what things in life you’re okay NOT doing.
#1: I don’t have to obsess over things.
At work, my detail-oriented nature comes in handy. It drives me to double-check spelling, consider additional points of view, and diligently manage the scope, timeline, and deliverables of complex projects. In life and love, however, it often gets me into trouble. I find myself dissecting every word, spoken and unspoken, and getting lost in past ruminations or future worries instead of recognizing my present reality. Reminding myself I don’t have to obsess over everything, especially the text of an ex or Insta post of a crush, has helped cool my jets and connect me to the things actually in my control.
#2: I don’t have to shame myself.
Part of the intention behind starting Other Peoples was to force me to answer the endless questions I ask others. As I’ve found the courage to describe who I am and what I want, I’ve been surprised by the shame that’s bubbled up around my answers. If my response to a tough question doesn’t seem to vibe with the person I think I’m supposed to be, I feel ashamed. “C’mon, Michael, you should know better!” is something I tell myself often. But I don’t have to do that! I can accept my answers instead of judging them and release the self-imposed shame that has held me back in the past.
#3: I don’t have to prove I’m good enough.
Unexpectedly moving home at the beginning of the pandemic brought me face to face with a contentious part of my personality. I’ve often labeled my inclination to help others as a positive attribute. Unfortunately, my acts of service are often an attempt to make people happy because I think that’s what I have to do to show I’m good enough to be loved. Helping others isn’t inherently wrong, but the intention behind that help can be problematic. Telling myself I don’t have to prove my worth hasn’t immediately resolved my self-esteem issues or erased my co-dependent patterns. Still, it’s a meaningful step towards embodying Rupaul’s increasingly ubiquitous quote, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
What things in life could you gently remind yourself you don’t have to do? A word of warning - there are some things you don’t have to do, but really should do, like the laundry or the dishes. I may have learned that the hard way this week. Okay, I’m off to take a short walk to the fridge and pour myself another glass of that Albariño I mentioned - hit me up on the SMS if you want help finding a bottle! ( 🇺🇲 313.825.4670 or 🇨🇦 647.370.6832 )
Until we talk again, I hope you'll keep being curious enough to ask questions, find the courage to answer them, and if the CDC allows it, have the audacity to give a damn about other people's answers too!
